Flowers For A Pollen-Free Wedding

Team America Saves The Day

Saturday was a beautiful day, so my fiance and I decided we would enjoy the fresh, high-50s air by walking to the local Blockbuster, renting a movie, and holing ourselves up in our dark apartment for the rest of the afternoon.

My fiance and I have somewhat different tastes when it comes to movies. I prefer historical human dramas with a hint of tragedy. He prefers shoot 'em ups. Saturday was a charmed day, however, because we both instantly seized upon the same movie. Team America: World Police satisfied both of our needs. Minus the history and human bits, but whatevs.

It turned out the South Park duo had more to offer than laughter, tears, and ambivalent feelings toward the United States. They found my mystery celebrity. Not only is Tim Robbins, according to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, an annoying liberal actor who is totally down with Kim John Il, but he is also the guy who was strolling down fifth avenue a couple of weeks ago. OK, so maybe I have actually seen some of the movies he's been in, but come on, Mystic River? Nobody's going to remember you from that

Yesterday I saw Al Sharpton in a coffee shop. I wasn't in the coffee shop too, but I was on the sidewalk outside and someone walking by said, "hey, that's Al Sharpton!" And so I looked. So I don't know if it counts as a real sighting if someone else sights them first. I guess I'm still kinda new at this thing. But oh how the world is small and full of celebrities.

What Celebrity Did I See Yesterday?

Living in New York, I am constantly spotting the stars. I am like a magnet for celebrities. So far, I have rubbed shoulders with Penn from Penn and Teller, Ed Bradley, and the entire cast of The Daily Show (they're all cuter in person). Yesterday, however, I experienced my biggest celebrity sighting yet. This guy is no TV star — we're talking movie star. Strutting down fifth avenue, this guy was tall, had gray hair but a youthful, slightly rodent-looking face, and he was attempting to blend in with a black trench coat.

I was completely star-struck, but I played it cool, only glancing in his direction a couple of times while we were both stopped at a crosswalk. Imagine — I was stuck at the same crosswalk as he! We were totally sharing a crosswalk.

The thing is, as familiar as this movie star’s face was, as intimately as I felt I knew him from gazing up at his flattened image on the silver screen, I have no idea who he was. I've grilled my fiancé, slept on it, showered on it, and I still haven’t got a clue. No idea what movies he’s been in. So he’s one of those celebrities, like Alec Baldwin, who I know like my next door neighbor, but I couldn’t tell you a single thing about his acting career or degree of separation from Kevin Bacon. Come to think of it, what has Kevin Bacon been in that I’ve actually seen? Wait — no... yes... Footloose.

OK, so you’ve got all the facts: graying hair, rodent-like features, tall, and somewhere between big star and mega star. Any names, of course, I will do a Google image search on, and determine if it's him. Please help it’s driving me crazy!

Getting Bored

Being a homemaker isn't easy. There's only so much online shopping a girl can do every day, and I've got to do something about the one side of the couch that's beginning to sag. Those mini packs of candy corn are not about to eat themselves, either.

Despite my harried state of inactivity, yesterday I decided it was time to get out of the house. Broadway is not but three or four blocks away, and while I'm totally over that scene, I haven't yet seen an actual Broadway show since moving here. Unfortunately, a friend who was eager to prey on my inexperience and boredom convinced me to get tickets to see this show:

(This is where I would have inserted an image of the poster for the new Broadway musical In My Life, which shows two people in an embrace, surrounded by giant lemons. But it seems that the musical is so bad, it is impossible to find an image of it on the web, except for the one on this page, which sadly is not a copyable file.)

Sure, the poster is kind of lame and cute, like a harmless Benny and Joon knockoff, but just listen to the description, also from the above linked site:

In the new musical In My Life, a musician with Tourette's syndrome and a journalist with obsessive compulsive disorder meet cute at a grocery store - with some help from above - and begin an unlikely romance that proves that life's greatest affliction is the one they share - true love.

Actually, after reading this, I was more than ready to pay 30 bucks to see it on opening night. Hell, I would even be willing to pay 40. But not the 76 dollars that the anal man at the box office was insisting was the cheapest price on opening night. I wanted to say to him, "did you see the posters they've got plastered all over this theater?" (I assumed this sensible-looking man had nothing to do with the production himself.) "You're better than this, ticket-man."

But he didn't look so eager for a conversation, and I almost never engage in unnecesary talk with strangers, so I just left without getting tickets. My friend was OK with that, but we might give it another try before the show closes any moment now.

Then I walked down the street while talking on my cell phone, and almost ran smack into the Naked Cowboy's guitar.

What a day!

"Joint After Joint!"

After being here for a week and a half, I have come to realize that, contrary to everything my television has ever taught me, nothing really goes on in New York. CSI: New York? Totally filmed in Los Angeles. And the ratings aren't that great, anyway.

It's only now that I've learned that my church-going, strip-mall-loving hometown in Oklahoma has really been where the action is all along. If nothing else, my brief stopover in Owasso, Oklahoma, a couple of weeks ago yielded a fresh crop of police logs that I've spent tens of minutes poring over. They're like a snapshot of daily life in the town I grew up in, the town that my parents still dream of leaving. You can't make up this kind of quaintness.

And so today I offer the best of the police logs, printed, word for word, I swear to God, in the Owasso Reporter on Thursday, September 29, 2005.

Incidents

Wednesday, Sept. 21
10:16 p.m. — Check person, 12900 blk E 86 St N. In football stadium, cutting down trees east of stadium, north-east corner. Handled, everything quiet, people at stadium doing construction.

Thursday, Sept. 22
2:25 p.m. — Accident no injury, 12700 blk E 86 St N. Hit a bail of hay this morning. Report.

4:47 p.m. — Check person, 12900 blk E 86 St N. Kids sitting there passing joint after joint around. Checked area, unable to locate.

Friday, Sept. 23
9:19 a.m. — Animal control other, 200 blk E Broadway St. Wanting to shoot a skunk.

5:37 p.m. — Check vehicle, E 98 St N at 138 E Ave. In front of address, he is waiting to mow the lawn but has no equipment to mow with. Handled.

7:05 p.m. — Check hazard other, 100 blk W 2 Ave. ATM has been spitting out money. Caller will be there in 10 minutes. Handled.

7:13 p.m. — Check hazard other, 12900 blk E 86 St N. Advised that the ATM spitting out money is on 86.

10:18 p.m. — Vandal report all, 8800 blk N 129 E Ave. South end of parking lot, black Honda Passport, cement block in windshield. Report.

Saturday, Sept. 24
6:50 p.m. — Check person, 12600 blk E 86 St N. Person puking at the movie theater. Handled.

9:42 p.m. — Juvenile nuisance/truant/other, 12900 blk E 86 St. N. Run juvies out of parking lot. Handled.

11:23 p.m. — Traffic vehicle stop, US 169 at 116. Officer advised OK. Handled, asleep.

Sunday, Sept. 25
7:34 p.m. — Harass threats, 12800 blk E 86 St N. person being harassed. Officer advised this is the same people we have be dealing with, one guy drove through the parking lot and pointed at him. That is it, nothing illegal. Handled.

Do I Have A Job Yet?

As promised, an exciting new feature for Fun With Nagoya: New York Edition. Here goes nothing!

Do I have a job yet?

No.

I'll be honest — that wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. I do, however, have an occupation as of yesterday.

My fiance and I decided that it was time to start acting like adults and open a joint checking account. Our "personal banking consultant" was Veronica, a less-than-sassy middle-aged woman who was either Asian or wore too much makeup.

As Veronica handed my fiance and me our personal information forms, she said, "both of you have jobs, right?" I didn't say anything, but I wondered if we would be denied a "totally free" checking account if I admitted to being unemployed. I considered writing "homemaker" in the blank under "occupation" and my fiance's name under "employer." I didn't think he would find that very funny, so I just left the blanks as is.

When we passed back our completed forms, Veronica scanned them, and stopped in the middle of my form.

"I'm currently looking for a job," I admitted, a little anxiously. "I've got some great leads, and as soon as I catch up from my jetlag—"

Without skipping a beat, Veronica nodded and wrote "home maker" down, pronouncing the words clearly as she wrote them. Home. Maker.

So it's official. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Welcome Back

So now, nearly three weeks after my last post, I have finally made my triumphant return to "the states." Wow that was a long boat ride. And a lot of live chickens.

My new post-Japan life is already full of surprises. My sister, who recently moved to Indianapolis, met David Letterman's mom about a month ago. And now here I am, living in the same city where Dave himself lives and works. It's so crazy I could die.

If you're wondering, yes, the blog name will stay the same, only now it has a new cleverness that I've been waiting months to achieve. The material will change somewhat, however: whereas it was mildly interesting for me to talk about the wacky fads and fashions in Japan while I was living there, to continue to do so from New York would just be lame to no end.

So to keep you reading faithfully, I have come up with a number of exciting new features for the coming months that take advantage of my new locale:

•What's That Smell?
•New New York Fashion Trends
•Am I Hired?
•You Paid Too Much for that Soda
•I Found a Bathroom!

And more. Plus, occasional sarcastic nods to my hometown back in Oklahoma and —why not— that lovably kooky Japan.

So stay tuned, and don't forget to check back for continual, non- inexcusably late posts from yours truly.